Bumper Fucker

I can’t help but get a little frustrated and extremely nervous when I’m travelling down a highway at 100+ kilometres per hour, am already following too close to the driver ahead of me (because when you give sufficient room, you get cut-off by 3 or 4 other vehicles) and some ass-head is so close to my bumper that I can only see hood! Seriously people. I’m in a hurry to get where I’m going too, I’m just not headed for the ER. You’re not going to get where you're going any faster if you hit me because you’ll be travelling in a body bag, you fuck.

There are dozens of accidents in this city every day. It gets worse when there is any extenuating weather. Why? Because people in Calgary can’t be bothered to practice courteous driving behaviour. Hell! Most of them can’t even be bothered to practice “safe” driving habits. "Defensive driving" does not mean that you should treat the road as though it is yours and that you should defend it. Pull your head out of your ass (and for you uggos out there, the bag your lover puts over your head) before driving. Dung-monkeys.

Hey Blondie McCockgobbler in the BMW, stop staring at your nails and working your second job as a phone sex operator and use your fucking signal light (I know you know how to pull a fucking stick!)! While you’re at it cum sponge, try to shoulder check once in a blue-fucking-moon. You might actually be able to notice that there is a car beside you that you’re about to run into.

To all you cousin-fucking, hill-folk turned yuppie scum driving in your trucks, pay attention! Just because your vehicle is bigger doesn’t mean that you have right-of-way or get special privileges. Yes, you are in fact handicapped, but not in the way that gives you rights to special parking. I mean that you’re totally fucking retarded and should be in a small room somewhere with a bib and a hockey helmet. I’ll make sure that I personally put a cork on the end of each spoon you’re given so that you don’t accidentally stab yourselves in the head. What the fuck do you need a truck for? Unless you’re a farmer or contractor or you use the truck to haul large animals, you don’t fucking need it! Get a small, fuel friendly car you raging piece of shit before you not only kill someone but you destroy the ecosystem. I realize that your penis is so small that you feel you need this huge extension (and don’t even get me started on you fuckers with the trucks balls!) but save yourself big money and just buy a codpiece. (For those of you who don’t know what this is, it is the manly equivalent of a padded push-up bra – it gives the illusion of size.)

I’m so fucking tired of driving here, exceeding the speed limit (even in the slow lane) and still having people trying to run me over. What the fuck is your hurry? You’re going to travel 20 or 30 km/h faster, burn 10 – 20% more fuel in order to arrive a whopping 3 minutes earlier? You’re willing to endanger lives, including your own, to potentially save yourself a few hundred seconds? You really make me sick.

I’m fed-up with people who think that a signal light is an optional piece of equipment. Hey fucko! The little stick just behind your steering wheel on the left hand side isn’t going to bite you. It will, however, keep my foot from being jammed so far up your ass that I can use you as a sock-puppet. If I don’t know where you’re going, how can I keep you from running up your insurance when you inevitably hit me?

Pay attention to where you’re going, what’s going on around you and the traffic controls. Quit fussing with your screaming hell-monkey, your stereo, your in-car DVD playing, your hair, the cell phone, doing your make-up or whatever the fuck else you’re screwing with and STOP TRYING TO KILL ME. Try, just try, to show some consideration for the other drivers on the road. Let people in when they are signaling. Back off of your gas pedal. Try not to be such a self-centered puss-bag. Maybe you'll be happier when you get home.

FUCK!