Mayo and Motherfucking Mustard

Last week I found myself in a lunch meeting. The company had sandwiches, beverages and dainties provided. They usually get some up-scale cafe type place to do these things and it is always delicious, so I usually don't complain. This was until they got a new catering company. I can understand mayo being a "salad" sandwich - egg salad, chicken salad, etc. - but on everything? I'm eating roast beef with fucking mayo!

Here's the scenario. The sandwiches are on a crusty sub-style bun (1/2's) layered bun, meat, lettuce, mayo & mustard, cheese, meat, bun. The condiments are buried in the middle of the fucking sandwich!!!! What the fuck? Okay, let's look at this. There are a ton of people who can't eat mayo. I can't even think of how many people are allergic, not to mention the dieters out there who don't want the crap. And mustard. Let's not forget the second-most over-used condiment on the planet. (Keeping in mind that ketchup is the ULTIMATE condiment. You don't see "mustard chips" do you?) What's so hard about putting these next to the bread so that it is easy to scrap away if necessary? For that matter, what's so fucking hard about putting it on the side so that we're not all forced to have a perfectly delicious sandwich ruined?

Despite my reputation for someone who will complain very freely when a restaurant fucks up, I don't often look a gift horse in the mouth. If I'm not paying for something, I don't have a right to put up a big fuss. I just don't understand why we have to smother all of our foods in condiments. Why can't we appreciate the ingredients of the sandwich as the coalesce into one delicious mountain of awesomeness? Are we that insecure now that we have to over-dress our foods as badly as we do ourselves?

So, dear reader, I beg you - end this shrouding of the au natural. End the condiment burkas. Tell your sandwich shop, catering company, etc. that sandwiches should be GOOD ENOUGH to go naked. Don't let delicous foods be hidden in shame.

Mayo and motherfucking mustard, you shall dominate and rape my foods no more.