Babies - why the fuck should I care?

Wow! Long time, eh? Well...today has got me all worked up, so you're in for a treat.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintences who are having babies right now. Yippee for them. Really. I'm thrilled that you're a breeder. Only some of you are aware of how much time, money and energy goes into raising babies and most of you aren't qualified. I'll digress on this though. I'm here to talk about ultrasound pictures.

Yes, ultrasound pictures. I thought that it was bad enough having to look at 12 trillion pictures of your newborn while listening to you go on about how cute his face is when he poops. (I'm sure that I make some stellar poop-faces, but I don't feel it necessary to talk about mine. Don't tempt me to change that belief.) Now the big thing is to get the ultrasound pictures and share them with everyone on the planet.

Let's get one thing straight - this isn't even a baby yet. It's incubating. Do I bore the shit out of you showing all of you the dozens and dozens of snake eggs that I have waiting to hatch? No. Why? Because it is as boring snot sculptures. No. That's not accurat. It is as interesting as counting the white hairs on your black cat. Why the fuck should I, or anyone else for that matter, care what your un-hatched spawn looks like?!?

So...to all of you breeders out there here's a few things that you need to fix:

1.) "We're pregnant" should be either "she is pregnant" or "I am pregnant". It's only "we" if it applies to both of you and just because some of you guys out there look like you're carrying twins, it doesn't mean you are. A guy's portion of the pregnancy is fairly limited. Get over it you hyper-sensitive nancy-boy or grow a cunt.

2.) All the details of your pregnancy don't need to be public record. I don't want to hear about how many times you've peed yourself, how cold the doctor's hands were when he had them jammed in your cooch, how swollen your boobs are or anything else. Keep any talk of your spawning as light and casual as possible.

3.) For the love of all that is holy, don't tell me about the "magical night" that you believe caused this "little miracle". Seriously. You're not attractive enough for porn, or you would be in porn. That's the only second-hand sex I want to be party to.

4.) Labour. Anything regarding this horrible curse from the one true misogynist is strictly barred from my ears.

5.) Delivery. So related to labour, but I swear to Satan if I have to hear about your delivery, I will perform a procedure that can only be entitled "reverse delivery".

6.) Pregnancy bellies should remain covered. They're creepy. Really creepy. I don't care if you want to wear a tight shirt, but all shirts that show a bare midrift are strictly forbidden. I have a very large, frozen bunny in my deep freeze right now and I'm not afraid to beat you into a come with it.

7.) Ultrasound pictures aren't baby pictures. They're pre-baby pictures. They're comparable to one of those crappy free appetizers that some restaurants give out. Do you want to always have your kid thought of a something someone has to GIVE AWAY because otherwise nobody would be interested in it?

Yes, I realize that no one will care more about your baby than you will. I'm sure that you're excited about this. Just try not to alienate the rest of us with your shrunken-brained babble.