Today’s rant is dedicated to all the fuck-wits out there who can’t seem to grasp this very simple concept. It’s Calgary, Alberta, Canada. It is March – not May, not July, not September – MARCH. Winter fucking happens in March. (Hell...here winter can happen in May, July or September as well!) Does anyone know what happens in March in Calgary? That’s right – SNOW, ice and cold. Do any of you know how to handle this? You bloody well should. Most of you are from Saskatchewan and the Maritimes where winter is the dominant season and you can freeze your cup of Timmy’s from a few degrees shy of the surface of the sun, to ready to host hockey practice on in roughly 4.2 minutes (not forty-two, retard; I did mean four-point-two). Somehow in this city “brain freeze” takes on an entirely different meaning.
Let me give you the basics so that maybe, just maybe, I won’t be stuck behind the accidents and tie-ups that your brainless, can’t-remember-to-remove-head-from-taint self is responsible for.
First of all – even if you have winter tires, you need a longer following distance to give you more time to stop. That means that you should crawl out of the cornhole of the guy in front of you. (Actually, you should do this ALL THE TIME, not just when it’s icy. If I wanted something dry jammed up my ass, I’d spin the wheel of my ex’s and make one of the days like Christmas. I don’t need your gas-guzzling SUV stuck there, thanks.)
Secondly, 140 km/h is not a safe speed on our highways in good weather. 140 km/h + ice = fatal crashes. Hopefully, it’s only you that you kill, you glorified lab monkey.
Third, while I do realize that it is icy and snowy, travelling at 30 km/h on a high speed road is just as likely to get you killed as travelling at 140 km/h. If you’re too nervous to keep up with reasonable traffic flow, stick to slower routes, plan to arrive later or don’t leave your fucking house. It’s called a “snow day” and was the greatest part of being a child in school. Appreciate it in the unfortunate circumstances that is your adulthood. Maybe use the spare time to spay or neuter yourself, or maybe take up a recreational hobby like Russian roulette.
Finally, and this applies to all you folks who drive 4X4’s and SUVs especially, it doesn’t matter how bad ass, tripped-out, powerful, lifted, or whatever other penis extension you have on your vehicle. If you go into the ditch, you will get stuck. If you end up with you vehicle partially or fully buried because you figured that you’d do a little off-roading in the city, you go to the bottom of the list to be rescued. You’re a tool. You’re a tool tool tool, you’re an unbelievable tool. I hope you freeze your nuts off, especially if you’re one of those folks that are proof that daddy should have just gone and jacked-off (A.K.A. people who own truck nuts). But for the unfortunate folks who had the choice between crashing into the aforementioned abortion-should-have-beens and getting raped by the insurance companies, or reacting and landing in a ditch – pull over and help these folks out. Seriously. I realize that it is cold and miserable, but tow trucks are often so backed-up that you’re looking at a 10 hour wait. You get a few people around that little civic and it’s easy to get back on the road. Plus you’ll have saved someone who, like you, is getting screwed over by all of the morons and assholes out there who prove that de-evolution is, in fact, not only possible but occurring in our very community.
In conclusion, if you can stay at home, stay at home. If you must drive, don’t be a dick when you drive. Letting people lane change in front of you is like swallowing – it’s only polite. Slow down, use your signal lights and don’t think that you’re the exception to the rule.
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